Severus Snape and the vegetable quest
by Jeanne St. Croix
Summary: Severus Snape, muggle vegetable store... do I need to say more? r/r please! FINISHED!!!


A/N: Hey everyone, here's a rather silly fliclet I wrote on my last days of vacation. I hope it makes you smile a bit, at least. This is my first attempt at humor fics, so please be gentle. Feedback is always appreciated and craved for.

Disclaimer: As always, not taking credit for characters, they belong to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement intended, yaddah yaddah, *yawns*, not making any money, no suing please.

SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE VEGETABLE QUEST

Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was a man with a mission. Resolutely, he left 'The three broomsticks' and Apparated to an empty alley in muggle London. With a heavy sigh, he blended with the muggle people that filled the busy streets.

Frowning, he looked at the list he had clutched in his right hand. Madame Rosmerta had been desperate to get those ingredients for a special recipe she had been asked to prepare, but hadn't been able to acquire them back at Hogsmeade. The complicated woman wanted muggle-grown vegetables. Now, Severus Snape was not the kind of man who made favors. But he wasn't the kind of man who would let a good offer go by without seizing it either. And the offer of free butterbear for a month had been extremely tempting. He sighed for the hundredth time and read the list.

// 5 large potatoes,

3 eggplants,

6 tomatoes,

Parsley. //

' I am a grown man who has spent years studying. Buying some vegetables shouldn't be that hard,' Severus thought with a sly smile.

Boy, was he wrong.

First, he had to walk for about ten blocks of annoyingly slow-moving people until he found a decent shop that advertised 'London's freshest vegetables'.

' Looks promising,' he told himself as he entered, being immediately startled by the sound of the bells attached to the door.

He looked up and scowled at the little instruments. Then, he felt someone put a hand on his back. With a fiercer scowl he turned to face a little old man of around 60 years old. He reminded him of Professor Flitwick.

' Why, in the name of Merlin, am I thinking about him now?' The muggle world seemed to be a serious threat to his sanity.

" I would very much appreciate it if you refrain yourself from touching me. Ever again," he stated, glaring at the tiny man.

That look would have sent Longbottom into hysterical tears, but he didn't even flinch.

" Good morning, lad. I'm Duilio. How can I service you?" He asked, good-naturedly.

" How dare you?!" Was his indignant reply. Dear Severus and his lewd mind.

" I meant, how can I be of your service, dear," corrected the old man, rather amused at his reaction.

" Oh, well, I need to buy... er... 5 large potatoes," he said with a deep sigh.

" Black or white?" Severus' eyes widened.

" Beg you pardon?"

" The potatoes, lad. Do you want the black kind or the white one?"

' What on earth...?'

" What's the difference?"

" Well, ones are white, the other ones are white," affirmed the man with deadpan humor.

" That is some cheek you have, old man."

" That demeanor won't get you far..." Was the soft warning.

Snape seriously considered giving the smart-ass clerk a piece of his mind and then apparate back to 'The three broomsticks' haven, but no. He wasn't going to quit. 'Duilio' wasn't going to win.

" Fine, fine, give me the white ones."

" I haven't heard the magical word..." Severus was confused.

' That would be Avada Kedavra for you... but... what? what does he know about magic?'

" I wanted to hear a 'please'..."

' Oh...'

" ... but I don't know what's going on with young people these days..." Duilio ranted, as he proceeded to collect the potatoes. " Anything else?"

" Yes. Give me three eggplants," requested Severus, feeling his weariness increasing with every second that went by.

" Mauve, white or striped?" Was the little man's question.

" Are you pulling my leg?" Replied Snape flatly.

" Why dear, you don't know there are several species of eggplant?" He looked truly amazed.

" I usually eat what the house-elves prepare and don't care if my food is mauve, white or striped. And my name is Severus, not lad, dear or any other..." He almost fainted when the man smiled brightly at him.

" Isn't that a lovely name?"

Snape ignored him. " I want the white eggplants."

" Good. What else?"

" Now I will need six tomatoes," said Severus without consulting the list.

" English or Scottish?"

" I do not care about my vegetables' nationality. Do spare me the details and give me the first ones you come across."

" Very well," said the impassive clerk and started collecting the tomatoes. It took a bit longer than Severus could stand and hearing the man singing what seemed to be a love song, definitely made him lose the little patience he had left.

" I asked you to collect six tomatoes for me, not to manufacture them!" He growled.

" I'm coming, lad. Nowadays, my speed ain't what it used to be. And with this weather, my bones complain at every move I make. I have arthritis, you know. The doctor said..."

And, like that, he went on babbling. When he finally finished, Severus was on the verge of tears.

" Anything else?"

" Yes, parsley," muttered Snape.

" Fresh or powdered?"

' Oh Merlin...'

" Look Mr., I have enough problems being in the mug... in this world as to have to put up with this. Merlin, what have I done to deserve this?" Was his desperate claim.

" Listen, young man, looks like you have some serious issues going on. And, even though you have an attitude problem, I like you. Want my advice?"

" No, but you're going to give it to me anyway, by the looks of it."

" Yes. Here, take this," he said, pulling out a card from one of the counter's drawers. " I don't know if he'll solve all your issues, but he is very good at listening, if you ask me."

" I don't recall having, but anyway..." Severus took the card and looked at it suspiciously.

It read: // Dr. Helmut Griggins, PhD. Anxiety disorders, depression. Affordable fares. //

He knew what that was. Muggles went to see those people and spent fortunes so they could cope with their problems.

" A psychologist? You think I need therapy?" He asked enraged.

" Well..."

" What I need is my wand to hex you into Oblivion!" Yelled Sev, losing his self-possession.

" Oh, boy, this is more serious than I thought," mumbled Duilio.

" I'll take the fresh parsley," he said, after regaining his composure and choosing to ignore the man's last comment.

" OK..."

As the old man placed the four bags in front of him, Severus grabbed them swiftly, put in front of him what he hoped was enough muggle money to pay for his purchase and hurried toward the exit.

" Wait for your change, lad!" Duilio called out.

" Keep it," he growled, before running out of the store and back to the alley, then back to 'The three broomsticks'.

There, he threw the bags on the counter and swore he wouldn't go on another 'adventure' like that in a long while. He had had enough of the muggle world to last for a good time.

THE END

***

Thanx for readin'!


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